Shambles.
Sunday, July 7, 2013 @ 12:12 PM
| 0 notesTo my future self,
Things will get better and who knows, the two of you might end up together. Right now, I'm letting all my evil out and cooking up ways of destroying the person that destroyed your relationship with him. I hope and pray that you won't hate me for the things that I've concocted in my head because I may or may not execute them one of these days.
She will lose whatever it is that's within her. I will assure you. Wait, I am assuring you.
"But you're the one that hurt the most..."
Saturday, June 22, 2013 @ 4:28 AM
| 0 notes
We were together for eight months. That relationship lasted longer than it should have but I don't regret a thing. I'm writing this because my conscience is killing me and because somehow, I can't lie to myself. I miss you terribly.
I miss all those late nights, drinking with you, laughing at your stupid jokes and listening to all you troubles. Remember that no matter how difficult things were between us that I truly loved you with all my heart. I loved you more than myself and I've made sacrifices just so I could fit into your life. I didn't want to promise you forever because I know you didn't really want me stay.
I'm sorry. There was a point during our relationship where you treated me so badly that I snapped. I cheated on you. Three times. Three of your friends. I didn't want it to happen, but I didn't realize that until I did it. I was suppose to break things off with you but everytime I was going to say something, my throat dried up and body froze. Somehow, I was also glad that you were the one who broke things off.
I wanted to continue fighting for you, but at some point, I knew that I had to stop and accept our fate.
Sometimes, I sit in the dark and think about what should've been if things were different. I cried so many tears for you that I'm actually admitting that nobody else can cause me the same pain that you did. I've had boyfriends before you, but you're the one that hurt the most. You are the one that I loved the most. You are the one that I hate the most. And you are the one that brought out the best and worst in me.
Just one night, I want to lay my head on your chest and cry. I want to tell you everything that's been bothering me since we parted ways. I want to hear you say things like, "Sadness will end up killing you." or any of your other stupid advices. Just one night where we don't have to fight. Where we just remind each other that at one point, we both lost our minds because we were so in love. And where we both remind each other why we can't be together.
With all of this being said, I'm also apologizing to my current boyfriend. I can love you as much as I loved him, but things will be different. Please, do not think badly of me. There are just some things that are hard to let go of and I hope you understand.
Labels: emotions, heart matters, love
Today is my birthday.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012 @ 1:58 AM
| 0 notesToday, I turn 19. The final year of being a teenager.
Today is my birthday and I feel like total shit.
I have hundreds of people greeting me, telling me nice shit just because it's the anniversary of my birth. I appreciate them, initially. Then I realize that none of those mean anything to me.
I've been waiting for messages from those that mean the most. I only got two. My mom and my grandpa.
I was waiting for a message from my uncle. Then I realized that he's never coming back no matter how hard I beg the heavens for it. Ah, Death has always been a sly douchebag, eh?
Today is my birthday and I'm secretly bawling my eyes out.
What does it feel like to fight for nothing?
Sunday, September 9, 2012 @ 9:49 AM
| 0 notes
fig. 1 - something that I find hard to obtain
It has been a while since my last post here. A lot has happened. The last guy that I was moaning about? Eh-- we'll never know what he really feels. All I know is that he's been cold towards me.
Because I have no time to build up, I decided to finally get a new boyfriend last August 30th. It's the most impulsive thing that I did. This dude, I've known him since Freshman year of high school and for some odd reason, we never really fell out of touch (mostly because of his efforts). It's really hard to explain.
I can feel a lot of things for him. However, I find it difficult to be in another relationship when all the past ones just gave me TONS of trauma and heartbreak. This one, he's my chance for a clean slate. But he's also making it difficult because I'm assuming that he hasn't had a really, really serious relationship EVER.
Ah, punyeta. I lost track of my thoughts :/
I don't want to make a habit out of this.
Sunday, August 12, 2012 @ 11:21 AM
| 0 notes
fig. 1 - Everything.
And here I go again, not being able to sleep at a "normal" hour. I feel drugged. So drugged that I haven't really felt tired for about a week now. No. I'm not taking anything. Things are so painful recently that the only solution I found is to keep myself working. Working. Working. Working. I can always say "no" but if I do that, I'll crash and burn. I hate this hour and any hour that falls in the "empty" category. No employer in their right mind would pay a part-timer like me for over-time. I have nothing to do, and it's so quiet in my room that the dread starts creeping.
I promised myself that I will not cry over you. We are nothing. I thought we had something, but you know, maybe it really was nothing. I have feelings for you and you clearly can't reciprocate so-- why would I waste my time feeling bothered by how obvious that you still haven't moved on from her. It's a vicious cycle, this predicament we're in now. I don't know what you see in her, and I honestly don't know what I see in you. Love is fucking blind and it's stupid.
I hate your calls. I hate your smile. I hate it when you say hi to me in the hallways. I hate how you agree to go out with me. I hate how you ask me about me from people. I hate how your existence altered my whole being. I am heartless. I only care about myself. I only care about fun. I only care about my authority. Fuck it. Fuck you.
You bring me up just to let me down. Just like all the men in my life. From my dad to my brothers to ex-boyfriends and now-- you, who shouldn't even matter. I may not expect a lot, but damn it, I have faith in people.
Just once, I want someone to give back the love that I give them. Not the platonic, friendly love. The type of love that makes me look forward to waking up in the morning. The type of love that can cheer me up after a long-ass day full of meetings, brain-storming and being stressed out. The type of love that involves braving the storm just so he could nurse me while I'm sick. But no. Never. The heavens made me a lucky kid, but they can't give me one thing. You ca have everything but get back the love you give, the cruel god said. It seems as if I'm predisposed to be like this forever.
People don't understand. They tell me that I have friends who love me. But come on, will that really suffice in the long run? I don't want to be a nuisance when they get married.
I am exhausted and I am giving up. Being on the top means NOTHING when you're on your own. I can actually feel my heart shrinking bit by bit.
Labels: complaints, emotions, heart matters, love
Getting used to it.
Friday, August 10, 2012 @ 11:11 AM
| 0 notes
We can't stay here forever. Or rather, I can't wait for you that long.
- I know I have a lot of shit going on. A lot. But being busy is the only that keeps me from falling apart. Look, maybe I'm not the one for you right now. And you're not really the one for me. We barely had anything, to be quite honest. Albeit, that does not mean that I didn't have any feelings for you. I just can't stand that constant pushing and pulling. I don't anything undecided in my life right now. I've had enough of that. The blind faith thing? Yeah-- no longer works on me.
- You can't even appreciate how I stayed up all night checking up on you during that disaster. Actually, you can't appreciate anything I did. Never.
- I don't believe that guys should still be the ones chasing after girls. But in this case, I've done my part.
- That being said, here I go again about running away and dropping everything.
- And look, it's 2AM. I must not make a habit of sleeping this late.
This modern love.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012 @ 7:28 AM
| 0 notes
fig. 1 a loverless bed
As I lay flat on my stomach on the top bunk, I've realized how bland life is if I keep on pretending about how "heartless" I am. A breakup does not necessarily mean that I should start fearing shit. It's been six months and I know he's moved on (well, the new girlfriend is a pretty good hint + we're pretty good friends now) and it's the BEST relationship I've had so far. It was the best and most mature that I'm actually using it as a basis for the next ones.
Don't get me wrong, I've went out on a few dates since then, but it irks me how my brain panics when my heart decides to go giddy on someone. Commitment drives me nuts. And I've had my share of let-downs. I miss being in love. I miss surprising someone once a month. I miss those silent but comfortable moments. I miss a lot of things that only happens in relationships. But sadly, it's not something that I can force. It's not something that you can make happen just because you want it to. If the feeling isn't mutual, then you have no choice. But again, it's a matter of personal opinion.
I'm actually happy that I know what I want right now, and possibly for the next bajillion years. I want a ridiculous, annoying and loud relationship filled with arguments and debates about laws and bills, maybe even philosophical stuff at 1 in the morning. And then we could agree to disagree and cuddle until we fall asleep. Then we'd wake up early and continue our arguments over unhealthy breakfast fare from a fastfood chain because that's all we could afford. Sadly, we can afford far better stuff than that. And you opt for the far better things in life. I just want someone to hug and kiss at night. I just want someone who will need me as much as I need them. I want the things that money will never get for me.
I have a specific someone in mind. But he's a very elusive type of person. I'm not actually heartless. I'm protecting myself. But from what? I never knew what I was running from. I almost always cower at the first hint of commitment. And now that I've seen someone who can fulfill the things that I've yearned for, and someone who's worthy of receiving my affections -- the world decides to troll me.
I'm still hopeful. Crossing everything that can be crossed.
What do you say to making things worth it, eh?
Labels: complaints, emotions, heart matters, love, writing
Shambles.
Sunday, July 7, 2013 @ 12:12 PM
| 0 notesTo my future self,
Things will get better and who knows, the two of you might end up together. Right now, I'm letting all my evil out and cooking up ways of destroying the person that destroyed your relationship with him. I hope and pray that you won't hate me for the things that I've concocted in my head because I may or may not execute them one of these days.
She will lose whatever it is that's within her. I will assure you. Wait, I am assuring you.
"But you're the one that hurt the most..."
Saturday, June 22, 2013 @ 4:28 AM
| 0 notes
We were together for eight months. That relationship lasted longer than it should have but I don't regret a thing. I'm writing this because my conscience is killing me and because somehow, I can't lie to myself. I miss you terribly.
I miss all those late nights, drinking with you, laughing at your stupid jokes and listening to all you troubles. Remember that no matter how difficult things were between us that I truly loved you with all my heart. I loved you more than myself and I've made sacrifices just so I could fit into your life. I didn't want to promise you forever because I know you didn't really want me stay.
I'm sorry. There was a point during our relationship where you treated me so badly that I snapped. I cheated on you. Three times. Three of your friends. I didn't want it to happen, but I didn't realize that until I did it. I was suppose to break things off with you but everytime I was going to say something, my throat dried up and body froze. Somehow, I was also glad that you were the one who broke things off.
I wanted to continue fighting for you, but at some point, I knew that I had to stop and accept our fate.
Sometimes, I sit in the dark and think about what should've been if things were different. I cried so many tears for you that I'm actually admitting that nobody else can cause me the same pain that you did. I've had boyfriends before you, but you're the one that hurt the most. You are the one that I loved the most. You are the one that I hate the most. And you are the one that brought out the best and worst in me.
Just one night, I want to lay my head on your chest and cry. I want to tell you everything that's been bothering me since we parted ways. I want to hear you say things like, "Sadness will end up killing you." or any of your other stupid advices. Just one night where we don't have to fight. Where we just remind each other that at one point, we both lost our minds because we were so in love. And where we both remind each other why we can't be together.
With all of this being said, I'm also apologizing to my current boyfriend. I can love you as much as I loved him, but things will be different. Please, do not think badly of me. There are just some things that are hard to let go of and I hope you understand.
Labels: emotions, heart matters, love
Today is my birthday.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012 @ 1:58 AM
| 0 notesToday, I turn 19. The final year of being a teenager.
Today is my birthday and I feel like total shit.
I have hundreds of people greeting me, telling me nice shit just because it's the anniversary of my birth. I appreciate them, initially. Then I realize that none of those mean anything to me.
I've been waiting for messages from those that mean the most. I only got two. My mom and my grandpa.
I was waiting for a message from my uncle. Then I realized that he's never coming back no matter how hard I beg the heavens for it. Ah, Death has always been a sly douchebag, eh?
Today is my birthday and I'm secretly bawling my eyes out.
What does it feel like to fight for nothing?
Sunday, September 9, 2012 @ 9:49 AM
| 0 notes
fig. 1 - something that I find hard to obtain
It has been a while since my last post here. A lot has happened. The last guy that I was moaning about? Eh-- we'll never know what he really feels. All I know is that he's been cold towards me.
Because I have no time to build up, I decided to finally get a new boyfriend last August 30th. It's the most impulsive thing that I did. This dude, I've known him since Freshman year of high school and for some odd reason, we never really fell out of touch (mostly because of his efforts). It's really hard to explain.
I can feel a lot of things for him. However, I find it difficult to be in another relationship when all the past ones just gave me TONS of trauma and heartbreak. This one, he's my chance for a clean slate. But he's also making it difficult because I'm assuming that he hasn't had a really, really serious relationship EVER.
Ah, punyeta. I lost track of my thoughts :/
I don't want to make a habit out of this.
Sunday, August 12, 2012 @ 11:21 AM
| 0 notes
fig. 1 - Everything.
And here I go again, not being able to sleep at a "normal" hour. I feel drugged. So drugged that I haven't really felt tired for about a week now. No. I'm not taking anything. Things are so painful recently that the only solution I found is to keep myself working. Working. Working. Working. I can always say "no" but if I do that, I'll crash and burn. I hate this hour and any hour that falls in the "empty" category. No employer in their right mind would pay a part-timer like me for over-time. I have nothing to do, and it's so quiet in my room that the dread starts creeping.
I promised myself that I will not cry over you. We are nothing. I thought we had something, but you know, maybe it really was nothing. I have feelings for you and you clearly can't reciprocate so-- why would I waste my time feeling bothered by how obvious that you still haven't moved on from her. It's a vicious cycle, this predicament we're in now. I don't know what you see in her, and I honestly don't know what I see in you. Love is fucking blind and it's stupid.
I hate your calls. I hate your smile. I hate it when you say hi to me in the hallways. I hate how you agree to go out with me. I hate how you ask me about me from people. I hate how your existence altered my whole being. I am heartless. I only care about myself. I only care about fun. I only care about my authority. Fuck it. Fuck you.
You bring me up just to let me down. Just like all the men in my life. From my dad to my brothers to ex-boyfriends and now-- you, who shouldn't even matter. I may not expect a lot, but damn it, I have faith in people.
Just once, I want someone to give back the love that I give them. Not the platonic, friendly love. The type of love that makes me look forward to waking up in the morning. The type of love that can cheer me up after a long-ass day full of meetings, brain-storming and being stressed out. The type of love that involves braving the storm just so he could nurse me while I'm sick. But no. Never. The heavens made me a lucky kid, but they can't give me one thing. You ca have everything but get back the love you give, the cruel god said. It seems as if I'm predisposed to be like this forever.
People don't understand. They tell me that I have friends who love me. But come on, will that really suffice in the long run? I don't want to be a nuisance when they get married.
I am exhausted and I am giving up. Being on the top means NOTHING when you're on your own. I can actually feel my heart shrinking bit by bit.
Labels: complaints, emotions, heart matters, love
Getting used to it.
Friday, August 10, 2012 @ 11:11 AM
| 0 notes
We can't stay here forever. Or rather, I can't wait for you that long.
- I know I have a lot of shit going on. A lot. But being busy is the only that keeps me from falling apart. Look, maybe I'm not the one for you right now. And you're not really the one for me. We barely had anything, to be quite honest. Albeit, that does not mean that I didn't have any feelings for you. I just can't stand that constant pushing and pulling. I don't anything undecided in my life right now. I've had enough of that. The blind faith thing? Yeah-- no longer works on me.
- You can't even appreciate how I stayed up all night checking up on you during that disaster. Actually, you can't appreciate anything I did. Never.
- I don't believe that guys should still be the ones chasing after girls. But in this case, I've done my part.
- That being said, here I go again about running away and dropping everything.
- And look, it's 2AM. I must not make a habit of sleeping this late.
This modern love.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012 @ 7:28 AM
| 0 notes
fig. 1 a loverless bed
As I lay flat on my stomach on the top bunk, I've realized how bland life is if I keep on pretending about how "heartless" I am. A breakup does not necessarily mean that I should start fearing shit. It's been six months and I know he's moved on (well, the new girlfriend is a pretty good hint + we're pretty good friends now) and it's the BEST relationship I've had so far. It was the best and most mature that I'm actually using it as a basis for the next ones.
Don't get me wrong, I've went out on a few dates since then, but it irks me how my brain panics when my heart decides to go giddy on someone. Commitment drives me nuts. And I've had my share of let-downs. I miss being in love. I miss surprising someone once a month. I miss those silent but comfortable moments. I miss a lot of things that only happens in relationships. But sadly, it's not something that I can force. It's not something that you can make happen just because you want it to. If the feeling isn't mutual, then you have no choice. But again, it's a matter of personal opinion.
I'm actually happy that I know what I want right now, and possibly for the next bajillion years. I want a ridiculous, annoying and loud relationship filled with arguments and debates about laws and bills, maybe even philosophical stuff at 1 in the morning. And then we could agree to disagree and cuddle until we fall asleep. Then we'd wake up early and continue our arguments over unhealthy breakfast fare from a fastfood chain because that's all we could afford. Sadly, we can afford far better stuff than that. And you opt for the far better things in life. I just want someone to hug and kiss at night. I just want someone who will need me as much as I need them. I want the things that money will never get for me.
I have a specific someone in mind. But he's a very elusive type of person. I'm not actually heartless. I'm protecting myself. But from what? I never knew what I was running from. I almost always cower at the first hint of commitment. And now that I've seen someone who can fulfill the things that I've yearned for, and someone who's worthy of receiving my affections -- the world decides to troll me.
I'm still hopeful. Crossing everything that can be crossed.
What do you say to making things worth it, eh?
Labels: complaints, emotions, heart matters, love, writing
