fig. 1 - Everything. 

And here I go again, not being able to sleep at a "normal" hour. I feel drugged. So drugged that I haven't really felt tired for about a week now. No. I'm not taking anything. Things are so painful recently that the only solution I found is to keep myself working. Working. Working. Working. I can always say "no" but if I do that, I'll crash and burn. I hate this hour and any hour that falls in the "empty" category. No employer in their right mind would pay a part-timer like me for over-time. I have nothing to do, and it's so quiet in my room that the dread starts creeping.

I promised myself that I will not cry over you. We are nothing. I thought we had something, but you know, maybe it really was nothing. I have feelings for you and you clearly can't reciprocate so-- why would I waste my time feeling bothered by how obvious that you still haven't moved on from her. It's a vicious cycle, this predicament we're in now. I don't know what you see in her, and I honestly don't know what I see in you. Love is fucking blind and it's stupid. 

I hate your calls. I hate your smile. I hate it when you say hi to me in the hallways. I hate how you agree to go out with me. I hate how you ask me about me from people. I hate how your existence altered my whole being. I am heartless. I only care about myself. I only care about fun. I only care about my authority. Fuck it. Fuck you. 

You bring me up just to let me down. Just like all the men in my life. From my dad to my brothers to ex-boyfriends and now-- you, who shouldn't even matter. I may not expect a lot, but damn it, I have faith in people. 

Just once, I want someone to give back the love that I give them. Not the platonic, friendly love. The type of love that makes me look forward to waking up in the morning. The type of love that can cheer me up after a long-ass day full of meetings, brain-storming and being stressed out. The type of love that involves braving the storm just so he could nurse me while I'm sick. But no. Never. The heavens made me a lucky kid, but they can't give me one thing. You ca have everything but get back the love you give, the cruel god said. It seems as if I'm predisposed to be like this forever. 

People don't understand. They tell me that I have friends who love me. But come on, will that really suffice in the long run? I don't want to be a nuisance when they get married. 

I am exhausted and I am giving up. Being on the top means NOTHING when you're on your own. I can actually feel my heart shrinking bit by bit.