fig. 1 a loverless bed

As I lay flat on my stomach on the top bunk, I've realized how bland life is if I keep on pretending about how "heartless" I am. A breakup does not necessarily mean that I should start fearing shit. It's been six months and I know he's moved on (well, the new girlfriend is a pretty good hint + we're pretty good friends now) and it's the BEST relationship I've had so far. It was the best and most mature that I'm actually using it as a basis for the next ones. 

Don't get me wrong, I've went out on a few dates since then, but it irks me how my brain panics when my heart decides to go giddy on someone. Commitment drives me nuts. And I've had my share of let-downs. I miss being in love. I miss surprising someone once a month. I miss those silent but comfortable moments. I miss a lot of things that only happens in relationships. But sadly, it's not something that I can force. It's not something that you can make happen just because you want it to. If the feeling isn't mutual, then you have no choice. But again, it's a matter of personal opinion.

I'm actually happy that I know what I want right now, and possibly for the next bajillion years. I want a ridiculous, annoying and loud relationship filled with arguments and debates about laws and bills, maybe even philosophical stuff at 1 in the morning. And then we could agree to disagree and cuddle until we fall asleep. Then we'd wake up early and continue our arguments over unhealthy breakfast fare from a fastfood chain because that's all we could afford. Sadly, we can afford far better stuff than that. And you opt for the far better things in life. I just want someone to hug and kiss at night. I just want someone who will need me as much as I need them. I want the things that money will never get for me.

I have a specific someone in mind. But he's a very elusive type of person. I'm not actually heartless. I'm protecting myself. But from what? I never knew what I was running from. I almost always cower at the first hint of commitment. And now that I've seen someone who can fulfill the things that I've yearned for, and someone who's worthy of receiving my affections -- the world decides to troll me.

I'm still hopeful. Crossing everything that can be crossed. 

What do you say to making things worth it, eh?